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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #706
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    I got caught masturbating in my local newsagents... It's all over the papers.

  2. #707
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    After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

    Giovanni said "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down".

    "Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

    The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'.

    So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'. So, we go to cluba car.

    While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'

    We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

    'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

    Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus".

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  4. #708
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    It's only 16 days to Christmas. I fucking HATE Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified.

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    I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden, the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me. Fucking psycho path.

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    I was chatting to a guy at work the other day and he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men. He ended up pretty annoyed with me and I can't understand why. I only asked "If they reared him together or took turns ".

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    A male student asked his English professor "What is the definition of a dilemma?" The professor said "Well, there's nothing better than this example to illustrate that: imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful, aroused, naked woman on one side, and an excited gay man on the other". "Who are you going to turn your back on?"

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  12. #712
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    When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!

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    After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".

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    Mick has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned. Required to state his case, Mick said "This racist word is demoralising for the blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just because they're black? Why not put whites on a list also?" The judge, after looking pained and after thinking for a minute said "Whites are on a separate list, they are called 'Tax Payers'!"

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    Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers. Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever" the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy" replies the man. "These are my khakis".

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    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

    "Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse".

    Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it". So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

    Ma replies "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

    Ma says "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix". So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies... "Hurt's, don't it?!"

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  18. #717
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    The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence". "Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".

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  20. #718
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    "Have you got something to tell me?" asked a mate. "What do you mean?" I retorted. "Well you and my mum were a bit friendly last night" he replied accusingly. "We just falked... I mean talked, I uttered mistakenly. "You better explain yourself, cunt" he barked. I replied "Have you ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' it's when you say one thing and mean I fucked your mother... I mean another".

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    I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black".

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