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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #676
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says "What's that?" He says "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear".

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  3. #677
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    Guy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, gives him a big hug and kiss and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips off her panties and says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says the guy "You must have a vase somewhere!"

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  5. #678
    aka TheInvisibleMan Griffin's Avatar
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    WORST GOLF FOURSOME IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME

    1. STORMY DANIELS
    2. O. J. SIMPSON
    3. TED KENNEDY
    4. BILL CLINTON

    1. STORMY IS A HOOKER
    2. O. J. IS A SLICER
    3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
    4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
    I'm no Gynecologist but I know a cunt when I see one.

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  7. #679
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    Why did god create man before he created woman?

     

    Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

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  9. #680
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    Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". While standing beside a Slovenian wife.

  10. #681
    OMWTFYB RBP's Avatar
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    What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

    A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
    The only "B" word a woman should be called is beautiful.
    Bitches LOVE being called beautiful.

  11. #682
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    I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

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  13. #683
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    A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

  14. #684
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    Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of €2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, America decided to conduct their own study. The Americans didn't really trust British or French studies because The Donald wasn't great friends with either country. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the US study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

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    A guy met this girl in a bar and asked "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". A little later, he asks "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good". He invites her up to his apartment and she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". They get to his apartment and he says "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife". She says "Oh, that's different. Send her in".

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  18. #686
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    Police today arrested a thalidomide couple at Heathrow airport. They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane

  19. #687
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    My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think... it's ice cream". She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

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  21. #688
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    A man is at the dentists for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks "Well... so you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose".

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  23. #689
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    This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

    He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

    Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

    It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

    I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

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  25. #690
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    This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

    He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

    Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

    It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

    I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

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