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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #721
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning and will fly to a secluded bay down south where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we'll do some island hopping before flying back home. Promises to be an amazing experience. If interested please let me know. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

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  3. #722
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    In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Allies nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate.

    One day, an Aussie Digger came up with a plan that would help win them the war. This Digger explained his plan to his trench mates and they figured "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas".

    The next day, an Aussie soldier called out "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead.

    The next day the Aussies shouted again "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead!

    This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.

    The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Australians. Thus, a German asked "What is a popular Australian name?" "Bruce!" replied another.

    The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted "Bruce!?" An Aussie called back "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Aussies helped to win WWI.

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  5. #723
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    I was shagging the woman from next door over the kitchen table, when we heard the front door opening. That's my husband she said "Quick try the back door". I knew I should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!

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  7. #724
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    A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"

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  9. #725
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  10. #726
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    Oh boy


  11. #727
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    My mate has been giving prostitutes oral sex to help him sleep and said "it was great advice and had worked a treat"

    I said "no you thick cunt I said have you tried Horlicks!

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    A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know" replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is". "OK" the guy said "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry" said the guy "I didn't realise you made a living out of it".

  14. #729
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    I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

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  16. #730
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    Great artistry!

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  18. #731
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    Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

    The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

    But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."

    But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

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  22. #733
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    Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"

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  24. #734
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    John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank robbers.

    Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

    At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

    After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

    Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

    On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

    The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

    Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found 'the one' when you finish each other's sentences".

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    My dad has a mate who has 1/2 his ear missing, his nickname is 18 months....


    .....cos he's got an ear and a half!!!

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