My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

**The Monk** · 12-19-2015, 09:56 AM

What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common?

What do you call a big Irish spider?

**The Monk** · 12-24-2015, 08:01 AM

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well?

**The Monk** · 12-25-2015, 03:30 AM

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

**The Monk** · 12-26-2015, 01:36 AM

-I prefer breasts to legs.
-Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
-Smother the butter all over the breasts.
-If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
-I've never seen a better spread!
-I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
-Are you ready for seconds yet?
-It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
-Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
-Don't play with your meat!
-Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
-Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
-I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
-You still have a little bit on your chin.
-How long will it take after you put it in?
-You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
-Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
-That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
-I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
-Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

**redred** · 01-02-2016, 09:13 AM

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

**RBP** · 01-02-2016, 02:12 PM

**The Monk** · 01-07-2016, 03:58 AM

Why don't blind men skydive?

**The Monk** · 01-11-2016, 05:58 AM

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.

**The Monk** · 01-11-2016, 06:00 AM

A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know" he says "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt". His friend says "Yeah, I know what you mean".

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favour? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt".

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you" says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light".

"Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see". "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt".

**The Monk** · 01-14-2016, 10:31 AM

I asked 100 women what shower soap they were using, and the most popular reply was:-

**The Monk** · 01-17-2016, 10:17 AM

What's a twack?

**The Monk** · 01-17-2016, 10:18 AM

I just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is.. Could she crack it?

**The Monk** · 01-17-2016, 10:27 AM

The wife said my cock reminded her of a supermarket I said why because it's well stocked and supplies your every need No because it's Lidl

**The Monk** · 01-17-2016, 10:29 AM

The wife told me to go out and get her something to look nice. So I came back with a bottle of scotch and a carton of beer!

**The Monk** · 01-17-2016, 10:32 AM

Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move.

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering

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