My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[The Monk]

What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

[The Monk]

The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

[The Monk]

Two friends meet in the office. One of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[The Monk]

Bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday.

She's done nothing but moan ever since!

[The Monk]

During an exercise to dredge a lake in Rednecksville, Mississippi, workmen recovered skeletal human remains wrapped in over 100lbs of heavy chain. After some investigation, dog-tags helped to identify the remains as those of Samuel Morgan, a local leading black civil rights activist who mysteriously disappeared in 1962.

Called to make a statement for the press, Sheriff Wilbur T Poltroon announced:
"Well, folks, it seems what we have here is an open and shut case: another ole nigger done stole more scrap iron than he could swim with!"

[The Monk]

340.8

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

[The Monk]

It was Sally from Accounts' last day at work today, so I told her I would let her suck my cock as a leaving present.

Turns out it was my last day at work as well.

[The Monk]

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks." I thought, "No shit."

[The Monk]

Went to the Ice Cream Van & asked for a 99, the Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said no thanks mate, just the one

[The Monk]

My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

[The Monk]

I wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.

[The Monk]

The wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose.. I work in a hammer factory

[The Monk]

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"


I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"

[The Monk]

Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: "I reckon he's an accountant".
Keith: "No way - he's a stockbroker".
Ken: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Ken: "'Scuse me mate... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession".
Ken: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: "Err... hmmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden".
Ken "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?"
Ken: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Ken: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children".
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Ken: "Yep! Five or six nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Ken: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Ken: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!"
Ken: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.

Keith: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Ken: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Keith: "What's that then?"
Ken: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Keith: "Nope".
Ken: "Well then, you're a wanker!"

[The Monk]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter Dial in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me".

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".