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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #16
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    A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"

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    A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!" "No" replies the man. "She just sort of lays there".

  3. #18
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    The orphanage I run burned down today with the lives of sixty children lost.

    Thank fuck I don't have to tell their parents.

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  5. #19
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    A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

  6. #20
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    A Virginia man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says "Okay get in the car with it". "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there". "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose". The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

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  8. #21
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    An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."

    A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.

    Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor: "This is petrol!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

    The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

    Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

    Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
    Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

    The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
    Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
    Here, take this $1,000."
    Doctor: "But this is only $500..."

    Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

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  10. #22
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    On the internet, you can be anything you want, its strange that there are so many people who choose to be stupid.

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  12. #23
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    What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist you racist fuck.

  13. #24
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    A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30pm the second guy says "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late at night". The first guy replies "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning".

    The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

    When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

    Seeing her he screamed "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother!"

  14. #25
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    Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talking about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

  15. #26
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    A farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

  16. #27
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    So I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring "You fucking Paki bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick! You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"

  17. #28
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    Me and my girlfriend were banging away and screwing for over an hour last night. Damn you IKEA! 20 minutes assembly time my arse!

  18. #29
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    A girl came up to me in a bar. Short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a ponytail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "I'd say 'neither am I". She raised her eyebrows "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips "easy access..." "Oh?" I replied "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents".

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    What do you call a Muslim with both a camel and a goat? Bisexual.

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