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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #316
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

    "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why...

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

    Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

    Flip one off?... I think not.

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  3. #317
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Why are mountains so funny?

    Because they're hill areas!

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  5. #318
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    Little Johnny comes home late from School one day and his Dad asks, "You're late, where have you been..?"
    "With Jessica."
    "Doing what..?"
    "Revising."
    Little Johnny then picks up a snack from off the Kitchen Table and says, "Wow, these Fishcakes smell nice."
    His Dad says, "Go wash your hands Son, cos they're fucking Doughnuts!!!"

  6. #319
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    I gave my sister away at her wedding...

    I stood up & shouted

    "SHE USED TO BE A MAN!"

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  8. #320
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?


     
    A Woman!

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  10. #321
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    What's green and not very heavy?

    Light green.

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  12. #322
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

    I don't care if she has one.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

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  14. #323
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    My girlfriend was pissed when I blew my load.

    I could see it in her eyes.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

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  16. #324
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    The panicked waitress yelled "does anyone know CPR?!?"
    I yelled, "hell, I know the whole alphabet!"
    Everyone laughed.
    Except that one dude.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

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  18. #325
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    What's long, hard, bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

     
    Your spine!

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  20. #326
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    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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  22. #327
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    It's impossible to hum if you hold your nose.


     
    Admit it.... you just tested this out

  23. #328
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    Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

    However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

  24. #329
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    A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
    I think it was Farmer Geddon.

  25. #330
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    Having a charity event for people that struggle to orgasm.
    Let me know if you can’t come.

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