My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

**The Monk** · 11-02-2016, 02:14 AM

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

**The Monk** · 11-02-2016, 02:16 AM

Police - "What's your emergency?"
Me - "Two girls are fighting over me"
Police - "OK, so what's the problem?"
Me - "The fat one's winning"

**The Monk** · 11-03-2016, 12:58 AM

A man in court pleaded guilty to damaging a library book by using correction fluid on all the full stops.

He's expecting a long sentence!

**redred** · 11-04-2016, 07:19 AM

My wife shouted upstairs the other day "Suns just come out" I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops grabbed my sunglasses and shot down the stairs.......
Only to find out my son holding hands with his "best mate" Dave.

**redred** · 11-04-2016, 04:25 PM

Isn't predictive text the worst invention ever, I was texting my sister earlier on to see how she was getting on and I ended up sending a message saying 'would you like to have sex tomorrow ?' Jesus Christ !!!!
I meant today

**redred** · 11-06-2016, 01:01 PM

I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my penis in a surfing accident."He said, "Did you fall off your board?"I said, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."

**The Monk** · 11-06-2016, 04:08 PM

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left!

**The Monk** · 11-08-2016, 06:21 AM

Went to the Doctors today complaining of strange voices coming from my underpants.

The Doctor said, "ignore them, they're talking bollocks"

**The Monk** · 11-10-2016, 02:10 PM

One day, Satan was out for a walk through Hell, making sure things were running smoothly. When he got to the Lake of Fire, he saw a man sitting by the lake, relaxing in a lawn chair, and not sweating or looking uncomfortable at all.

Perplexed, Satan approached the man and asked: "Young man, are you not hot or bothered by this heat?" The man replied "Oh no, not at all. I lived in California and this weather is just like a typical July day".

Satan thought that this was not a good sign, so he rushed back to his office and turned up the heat in Hell another 100 degrees. Satisfied with himself, he again returned to the Lake of Fire to check on the young man.

When he got there, the man was showing a few beads of sweat, but that was all. Again Satan asked the man "Are you hot and uncomfortable yet?" The young man looked up and said "No, the temperature is just like a hot August day in California. I'm coping it just fine".

Satan decided that he had to do something drastic to make this man's stay in Hell unpleasant. He went back to his office, turned the heat all the way down, and then turned up the air conditioning. The temperature in Hell quickly dropped well below zero.

As he approached the Lake of Fire, he noticed that it was now frozen over. He also saw the Californian jumping up and down wildly, waving his arms and yelling into the air.

"This looks promising!" thought Satan. Coming closer, he finally made out what the man was shouting: "Trump has won! Donald Trump has won the Election!"

**The Monk** · 11-10-2016, 02:25 PM

President Trump goes on a state visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American Diplomats accompanying him "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land for just $100".

The American Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes. They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want The Donald shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100!?"

The American Diplomats replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

**redred** · 11-11-2016, 02:58 PM

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant,who replied
"He came in 4 cough syrup but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." "U fucking idiot" said the chemist "U can't treat a cough with laxatives" "Of course u can" the assistant replied "Look at him,he daren't fucking cough now!

**The Monk** · 11-12-2016, 02:54 PM

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

**The Monk** · 11-13-2016, 01:35 PM

Just seen a homeless man dressed as Henry VIII.

Crazy really because everyone knows that beggars can't be Tudors.

**redred** · 11-14-2016, 04:27 PM

I took a bird back home last night.

We got kissing on the sofa, before I slipped my hand in her knickers, she asked, "Shall we take this upstairs?"

I said, "No, I'd rather we did it here."

"Oh I see." She winked, "Something in your bedroom you don't want me to see eh?"

I said, "Yeah, my wife."

**The Monk** · 11-15-2016, 04:44 AM

I mistakenly drank some Tippex instead of my liquid Viagra.

I now have a huge correction.

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