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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #31
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"

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  3. #32
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    What's the difference between a black and a white fairy-tale? White begins "Once upon a time" black begins "Y'all motherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit!"

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  5. #33
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Mick opens Paddy's fridge and says "Why have you got an empty milk bottle in here?" Paddy replies "In case someone wants black coffee, you thick twat!"

  6. #34
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

    When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

    However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants "before you take them off... is it true what they say about black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "Baby, of course".

    He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

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  8. #35
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

    The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffer dog.

    "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".

    The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "Search".

    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

    The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.

    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

    The Policeman said "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.

    The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

    The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. He asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb".

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  10. #36
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Monk View Post
    The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"
    Nor arrive that quickly.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

  11. #37
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  13. #38
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    My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

    He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

    He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".

    "You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"

  14. #39
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    A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: "Do you have any corn?" The man answers politely: "No, we don't have any corn here". The next day, the duck enters again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" Annoyed, the man answers: "No! We don't have any corn". This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks "Do you have any corn?" the man gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I"ll nail your beak to the counter!" The next day, the duck returns and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The man answers: "No". Then the duck asks: "Do you have any corn?"

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  16. #40
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    What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.

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  18. #41
    Junior Shelter Dweller thebastardnextdoor's Avatar
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    A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

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  20. #42
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    We live in Abbotsford British Columbia and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house!

  21. #43
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    What's the best part of sex with a transvestite?


    Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

  22. #44
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Recently, the Townsville Police Department ran an email forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

    "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"

    Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: "First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people.

    Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty, or what you might refer to as "patrol" where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

    At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

    So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

    Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new person to harass.

    This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

    What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

    PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.

    CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

    RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a cat on the scent of a mouse. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

    LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

    After you read the laws, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

    We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Townsville citizens who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

    Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the good citizens of Townsville".

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  24. #45
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    How are children like cell phones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

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