Originally Posted by redred
I just read "100 things to do before you die"
I was quite surprised to see that "shout for help" wasn't in there!
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "You foreigners! Please come in. Come into my humble shop".
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you". Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "THE FEET! THE FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
DemonGeminiX (12-17-2016)
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
A guy goes to the whorehouse but he's strapped for cash.
"What can I get for 5 bucks?
"5 bucks... That'll get you a 'penguin.' Rose! Come, take this man back and give him a penguin."
Rose takes the man to her room, undoes his pants and starts giving him a blowjob. But right before he is getting ready to come, she gets up and walks away.
The man becomes upset and, with his pants still around his ankles, waddles after her. "Wait, so this is a penguin?!"
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
Me: "yeah, but it was fast"
RBP (12-28-2016)
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet & we ended up having sex there & then. God I love my new Taser
RBP (12-28-2016)
I hate strip clubs.
I can't touch her, she won't touch me, I can't touch myself,
& she gets all my cash.
It's like being home with the wife!
RBP (12-28-2016)
My wife says she thinks we should sleep in separate beds. What a great idea! I've chosen Kerri's, at number 23!
Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box. Such a pity it was a puppy.
I hate double standards.
Some girl gets a vibrator and it's seen as a bit of
naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 volt
FuckMaster Pro 5000 blow up doll with 6 speed revolving pussy, elasticated anus with imitation shit dribble and breast nipple discharge, non drip semen collection tray, together with optional built in realistic rape scream, I'm apparently a dirty fucking pervert...
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it.....
He's gay, definitely gay.
RBP (12-28-2016)
I was awakened with a blow job this morning.
I need to start sleeping with my mouth closed.
RBP (12-30-2016)
What's the difference between iron man and iron woman?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron woman is a command!
RBP (12-30-2016)
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