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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #466
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
    The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

    'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

    He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

    She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'.

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  3. #467
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    As a funeral director, I tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

    Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

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  5. #468
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

  6. #469
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Bought the wife a Pug dog.

    Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly, the dog seems to like her!

  7. #470
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    My party trick is swallowing two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my arse tied together...

    I shit you knot!

  8. #471
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    My wife says I act really immature and need to grow up.

    I told her to get the hell out of my pillow fort with that negative attitude.

  9. #472
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I'm in a band called Dyslexia.

    We've just released our greatest shit album.

  10. #473
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush". The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush". "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

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  12. #474
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a handjob, but she just palmed me off!

  13. #475
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    An American Patriot is riding his Harley by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

    Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

    The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

    A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life".

    The Harley rider replies "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right". The reporter says "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican".

    The journalist leaves.

    The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

    U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

    ... and that pretty much sums up the media's approach to news these days.

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  15. #476
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    How Long is a Chinese name

  16. #477
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    I looked out the window and it was pissing it down. I thought 'Fuck it, not going out in that. I'll pick the kids up from school tomorrow!'

  17. #478
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    It's IKEA's birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there's your fucking cake.

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  19. #479
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    Dirty Derek our local flasher was thinking about retiring, but he's decided to stick it out for another year!

  20. #480
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    My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection.

    I bought her some diet-pills.

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