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03-11-2017, 04:27 AM
#496
Shelter Dweller
Stevie Wonder - 8 kids
Ray Charles - 12 kids
I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.
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03-11-2017, 04:37 AM
#497
Shelter Dweller
Just bought some Viagra tea bags.
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.
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03-11-2017, 09:26 AM
#498
weapon of mass consumption
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The Following User Says Thank You to redred For This Useful Post:
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03-13-2017, 06:44 AM
#499
weapon of mass consumption
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03-13-2017, 07:21 AM
#500
Shelter Dweller
Originally Posted by
redred
I see a flaw here...
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03-13-2017, 09:40 AM
#501
Shelter Dweller
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
at the first man on his right.
The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
Fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
"It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!
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03-13-2017, 09:44 AM
#502
Shelter Dweller
A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.
She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.
He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."
So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:
"Mom! You still awake?"
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03-13-2017, 09:45 AM
#503
Shelter Dweller
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."
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The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to The Monk For This Useful Post:
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03-17-2017, 07:33 AM
#504
Shelter Dweller
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
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The Following User Says Thank You to The Monk For This Useful Post:
DemonGeminiX (03-24-2017)
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03-22-2017, 12:53 AM
#505
Shelter Dweller
Two guys dressed in armour walk into a hotel lobby..
One says, "room for two knights please"
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03-23-2017, 07:16 PM
#506
weapon of mass consumption
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The Following User Says Thank You to redred For This Useful Post:
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03-30-2017, 01:10 AM
#507
Shelter Dweller
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers!
So I did; she's 21 and her name's Amy
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03-30-2017, 01:11 AM
#508
Shelter Dweller
The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5?.
I told them pre school.
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03-30-2017, 01:13 AM
#509
Shelter Dweller
My brother needed a bone marrow transplant
We found a match in Argentina
The operation was a success
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor
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04-10-2017, 12:56 AM
#510
Shelter Dweller
My GF said if this tweet gets 1,000 likes we'll try anal, so please don't like this
Cos her strap-on is huge and scares the shit out of me!
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