Page 34 of 53 FirstFirst ... 24 32 33 34 35 36 44 ... LastLast
Results 496 to 510 of 782

Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #496
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    Stevie Wonder - 8 kids
    Ray Charles - 12 kids

    I think it's safe to say it's not wanking that makes you blind.

  2. #497
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    Just bought some Viagra tea bags.

    They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.

  3. #498
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Bristol , England
    Posts
    30,600
    vCash
    3793
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Thanks
    1,838
    Thanked 5,562 Times in 3,632 Posts

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to redred For This Useful Post:

    The Monk (03-12-2017)

  5. #499
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Bristol , England
    Posts
    30,600
    vCash
    3793
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Thanks
    1,838
    Thanked 5,562 Times in 3,632 Posts

  6. #500
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by redred View Post
    I see a flaw here...

  7. #501
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
    Individual to fill a job opening.
    After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
    equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
    question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
    job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
    interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
    at the first man on his right.
    The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
    warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
    Fastest thing I know of."
    "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
    asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
    you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
    know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
    a very popular cliche for speed."
    He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
    there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
    pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
    TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
    had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
    Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
    same question.
    Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
    "It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
    "WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
    "Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
    feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
    BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

    Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!

  8. #502
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

    She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

    He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

    So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:


    "Mom! You still awake?"

  9. #503
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

    "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to The Monk For This Useful Post:

    DemonGeminiX (03-24-2017), PorkChopSandwiches (03-23-2017)

  11. #504
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

    On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

    I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

    As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to The Monk For This Useful Post:

    DemonGeminiX (03-24-2017)

  13. #505
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    Two guys dressed in armour walk into a hotel lobby..

    One says, "room for two knights please"

  14. #506
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Bristol , England
    Posts
    30,600
    vCash
    3793
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Thanks
    1,838
    Thanked 5,562 Times in 3,632 Posts
    got a new game for you

     

  15. The Following User Says Thank You to redred For This Useful Post:

    The Monk (03-30-2017)

  16. #507
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers!

    So I did; she's 21 and her name's Amy

  17. #508
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5?.

    I told them pre school.

  18. #509
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    My brother needed a bone marrow transplant

    We found a match in Argentina

    The operation was a success

    Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor

  19. #510
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    My GF said if this tweet gets 1,000 likes we'll try anal, so please don't like this

    Cos her strap-on is huge and scares the shit out of me!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •