My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[The Monk]

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

[The Monk]

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye? "Turns out we watch different movies".

[The Monk]

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 3:00 AM..

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[The Monk]

My missus walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said... "Wait a minute Sweetheart, it's not what it looks like!".

[The Monk]

I used to be schizophrenic..... but we're okay now.

[The Monk]

What do you get when you divide a poop into three?

 

Turds!

[The Monk]

[The Monk]

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette.

[The Monk]

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my Wifes bra off, I decided to give up,

I wish I'd never put it on now.

[The Monk]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ray". Ray was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day going here?"

"Not bad" replied Ray the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ray.

"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal.

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming!

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"RAY, WAKE UP! YOU SHIT THE BED!"

[The Monk]

[The Monk]

If reincarnation existed every man would come back as a spider, just to hear a woman scream "Oh my god it's fucking huge"

[The Monk]

Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up.

Unless you're in prison.

[The Monk]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired however (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because she probably doesn't have health care and her hospital stay won't be covered visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I love a happy ending!

[The Monk]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.
”Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.
If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”