My missus isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that!
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My missus isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that!
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!
No one treats me like a mug.
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...
My wife said if this tweet gets 1,000 RTs we'll try anal, so please ignore this!
Her strap-on is huge and scares the shit out of me!
“Sir your car was swerving all over the road”
“Sorry officer I’ve had ten pints and feel pissed.”
“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!”
A WARNING TO ALL MEN!
Women are using date rape drugs called "blowjobs" to lure men into scams called "relationships"
RBP (11-07-2017)
They say makeup sex is the best!
I must be doing it wrong though, and now I’ve only gone and got a lipstick stuck up my bum.
I guy is sitting at the bar after work, totally smashed. He realizes what time it is and declares to the bartender, "Oh man, I am so late, my wife is going to kill me!" then he barfs on his shirt. "Oh man, now I'm really going to get it!"
The bartender says, "not to worry, just put a Ten in your shirt pocket, and tell the wife that someone at the bar got sick, but gave you $10 for dry cleaning."
So the guy gets home, takes off his clothes and climbs into bed. His wife is pretty steamed, and she gets up and decides to pick up his things and put them in the hamper. "What the hell happened to you?" she barks. "Your clothes are a mess!"
"No worries dear. A guy at the bar puked but gave me $10 for dry cleaning..."
His wife says "But this is a $20!"
"I know, the motherfucker shit my pants too."
I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.
You know you masturbate too much when you drop your wank sock and your wife shouts from the other room, "I hope that wasn't one of the good plates."
A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replied, "No, just having a shit"
RBP (11-20-2017)
A girl came up to me in a club and said "I haven't had a cock for nearly three weeks now". I invited her back to my place, and she started fooling around. We got undressed. That was when I noticed that she still had the scars from surgery!
My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse. I asked how do you tell them apart? He said oh thats easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks!
RBP (11-20-2017)
My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.
Probably because I'm a man, not a fucking cake shop...
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