My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[The Monk]

Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage.

I used to shave my privates with one..

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

[The Monk]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[The Monk]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

[The Monk]

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

[The Monk]

-The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

[The Monk]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

[The Monk]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[The Monk]

What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

"Don't touch my Easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday."

[The Monk]

An English guy relocates to a remote mountainous area of Arkansas USA.

He'd been living there a few days, when the phone rang.

He answered the phone and the guy on the other end introduced himself as his neighbour, he told him he lived on a smallholding a few miles away and would like to welcome him to the area.

The neighbour then said, "Why don't you drop by on Saturday at about 7.30 for a cook out?"

"Yes, I'd like that", said the Englishman, "But what's a cookout?"

The neighbour said, "Well, we eat as much as we want, drink as much of the amber brew as we want and have as much sex as we want".

"The Englishman said, "Sounds great, what's the dress code?"

"The neighbour said, "Wear what you like friend, there'll only be the two of us".

[The Monk]

THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM....
....God's way of teaching geography to Americans!

[The Monk]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

[The Monk]

After a 15 day trek through Tibet, I finally arrived at my destination.

I approached the orange robed Buddhist monk on the front gate to make sure.

"Excuse me brother", I said, "I have travelled many miles. Can you tell me, is this the Buddhist Temple of the Forgotten Vow of Silence?".

He replied, "It is weary traveller. Come in and......oh, for fucks sake!"

[The Monk]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing.

[The Monk]

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

[The Monk]

A welsh bloke is having a driving lesson when the instructor says, "Can you make a U-turn?"

The Taffy replies, "Make a ewe turn? I can make its fucking eyes water!"