My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[HyperV12]

My wife keeps getting upset with me for using the word cunt.

I guess she has a point, I really should learn her mothers name.

[HyperV12]

I fucked a girl with a bad stutter last night.

It was great, I managed to finish before she could say No.

[HyperV12]

Two blokes sitting in a pub. One turns to the other and says 'I fucked your mum last night. We did everthing, in the cunt, in the ass, in the mouth, then I licked her asshole while she fingered mine. After I splooged up her nose I shat in a bag and watched her eat it while I fistfucked her dog.'
The other guy puts down his pint and says 'let's go home Dad, I think you've had enough.'

[The Monk]

I walked into work and said to my boss, "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, my sister was raped this morning."

"Is she alright?" he asked.

I said, "Yeah, not bad at all."

[The Monk]

If I had a pound for every time I was racist...

Black people would rob me.

[The Monk]

What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?


Finding a condom in your hole...

[The Monk]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot replies "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion".

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately".

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[The Monk]

KNOW YOUR POOP

GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realise that you have to poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOP: The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is notified.

CORN POOP: Self-explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP-POOP: The kind where you want to poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN POOP: It smells so bad your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of poop that doesen't smell.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS! a poop.

THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

[HyperV12]

[The Monk]

Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Alberta son" the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car".

"I'm sorry officer" the driver said "I'm not from around here".

The cop runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true" replied the cop. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type" the cop says "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

[The Monk]

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

*POOF*

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams".

*POOF*

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women".

*POOF*

The Arab is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

[The Monk]

It's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker.

They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion.

Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upstairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him.

One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs.

Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!"

Jesus: "Yeah, I know".

Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!"

Jesus: "I know".

Disciple: "So what's up?"

Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her puss".

Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?"

Jesus: "It healed".

[The Monk]

A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

[The Monk]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:

-2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
-2 French men and 1 French woman
-2 German men and 1 German woman
-2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
-2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
-2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
-2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
-2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
-2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
-2 American mean and 1 American woman
-2 English men and 1 English woman
-2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
-The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
-The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
-The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
-The two Polish men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Polish woman, and started swimming.
-The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo, and are awaiting instructions.
-The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
-The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
-Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Kiwi woman is trying to root the Aussie guys.
-The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
-The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
-The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[The Monk]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight waited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question?

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY Or UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.