$1,000,000 no longer enough to purchase items in BNL’s “If I Had A Million Dollars”

[Teh One Who Knocks]

by Andrew Barr - CBC News




SCARBOROUGH, ON—Thanks to the skyrocketing cost of living in Canada, one of the nation’s most beloved songs is struggling to connect with a new generation of struggling adults.

In 1993, Barenaked Ladies released their classic track, If I Had A Million Dollars, a song that encouraged reckless and excessive spending. At the time, Canadians could relate to the fantasy projected in the song; a million dollars seemed like a bottomless bag of peanuts. However, today’s young adults have a very different conception of what a million-dollar windfall would mean.

Aidan Campford, 28, explains, “A million bucks? I guess that would cover me and my girlfriend’s student loans and credit card debt, leave us just enough to buy us a shitty condo somewhere we don't want to live, and maybe have a baby who hopefully isn't in love with the idea of 'food all the time.'"

Over the last 25 years, the increased cost of living combined with stagnant wages reveals a difficult truth: if you had a million dollars and attempted to purchase the items listed in BNL's classic tune, you’d be out of luck. Toronto financial planner Marvin Eastworth offers his breakdown.

If I had a million dollars, I would buy:

You a house - $553,000

Accordingly to the always-reliable Internet, the average cost of a Canadian home is $453,000. The song seems to suggest that the house in question will be nicer than average, so we'll tack on another $100,000.

Furniture for your house - $25,000

It’s fair to assume you'll spend at least 10% of the cost of your home on furniture, especially if you're purchasing items such as “a nice Chesterfield or an ottoman.”

A K-car (a nice Reliant automobile) - $35,000

The “K-car” is an outdated reference. The modern equivalent would be a recent Kia Sorento. 2016 models start at about $35,000. Sorry.

Tree fort - $40,000

In the song, the buyer adorably claims that he intends to build the tree fort himself, but like any non-handyman with money to throw around, you’ll give up and hire someone to do the job. When you factor in materials and labour, adult-sized tree houses are quite costly.

Little tiny fridge (for tree fort) - $280

This one is pretty straightforward.

UNEXPECTED PURCHASE: Extension cord - $20

Though not mentioned in the song, if you want to put a mini-fridge in a tree fort, you will need an extension cord.

Pre-wrapped sausages - $5

You can snag a nice pack of brats for a fiver.

Faux fur coat - $156

Reasonably progressive lyric for the early 90s.

Llama or an emu - $5,000

Assuming you decide on the more cost-effective emu, it's about $3,500 for the bird. Of course, the mandatory emu farmer's license will run you some extra coin.

John Merrick's (The Elephant Man) remains - $350,000

You’re really going to blow the budget on this one. Michael Jackson was rumoured to have made an offer on these bones for $1,000,000. At the time, the bones were not for sale, but the subject of scientific research. Assuming they're done analyzing and the bones are somehow up for grabs, there's still no way you're bringing them home cheap.

Limousine to the store - $255

Most limo companies charge a minimum of three hours and $85/hr is about as good a rate as you'll get.

Kraft Dinner – 50 cents

Maybe a bit more if it's not on sale, but it weirdly always is. We'll assume you already have butter and milk at home. If you don’t, you probably shouldn’t be considering the purchase of an emu.

Dijon ketchup - $8

“Dijon ketchup” is not a thing. That said, you can make some quality gourmet ketchup for not too much money.

Green dress - $100

You won’t find a nice dress for less than this, regardless of colour.

Some art (a Picasso or a Garfunkel) - $10,000

An original Picasso alone will blow the entire budget. Art Garfunkel is a man and you can ask him how much he costs.

Monkey - $3,000

You can buy a marmoset, the shittiest of the monkeys, for about $2,000. You’ll need several hundred dollars in add-ons, though: a cage, leash, various tiny hats etc. Anyone else skeptical that the monkey and emu will get along?

Your love - ???

The cost of this is really up to the person whose love you’re looking to purchase. Hopefully this person has the capacity to love a flat broke man who’s rich in cheap food, weird pets, and some dead guy’s bones.

TOTAL - $1,021,824.50

[Teh One Who Knocks]