Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
He wanted to wake up oily.
Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
He wanted to wake up oily.
Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept.
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
He wanted to feed the mouse.
A Nun, a Priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabbi and a Blonde walk into a Bar.
The Barman looks at them and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I went on a tour of a post card factory the other day, it was ok, but nothing to write home about.
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A light house.
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."